How to Lose 20 lbs. in 2 weeks

I was standing in line to check out at the grocery store, and was reading some of the magazine headlines in the checkout-line magazine racks. Almost all of them had some big title reading something like, "How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days," or "How I Fit Back Into My Little Black Dress."

I've never worn a black dress of any kind (nor do I want to), but about a month ago I lost about 20 or 25 pounds in about two weeks. I didn't do it intentionally, but the magazine titles have inspired me to share techniques I learned.

1. Contract strep throat - this prevents eating, and depletes your immune system (which is necessary a little later).

2. Bite your tongue really hard - bite it so hard that you have a big nasty looking cut in the middle of it. Also, a few smaller bites around the perimeter might help too.

3. Start taking some antibiotics (something Penicillin based) - this will help you recover by the end of the two weeks. Also, it will kill all the bacteria in your digestive tract, so any food will shoot right through you.

4. Use a hydrogen-peroxide based mouthwash - this will open up the sores on your tongue nicely, and hopefully (with your depleted immune system) help them to turn into some big ugly canker-like sores. Also, it might make your gums incredibly sensitive to any kind of pressure.

Note: By this time you should not be capable of eating anything more solid than Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup. Also, it will probably hurt really bad to eat the noodles, thus deterring you from consuming many of them.

5. When you can't talk or eat anything at all, go to the doctor and get a nice corticol steroid (like Prednizone) - This will help the pain a little, but will also kick your heartrate through the roof. You probably won't sleep for 3 or 4 days, so a little Tylenol PM might help.

6. Slightly solid food - After taking your a week's worth of Prednizone and antibiotics, you should start being able to eat slightly more solid food (like ramen noodles, and crackers that you soak into a kind of mush).

7. Slightly more solid food - After about two weeks, you might be able to eat some pasta. Still, I'd try to avoid anything containing sugar, salt, and kind of acid, grains, etc. These will be way too painful to eat. You should now have lost about 20 to 25 pounds.

8. The follow up - After about 3 weeks you should be able to eat most solid food. Be warned, however, that since to bit off most of your sweet taste buds, most things will taste excessively salty (especially things like cheetos). Things will slowly get back to normal. You might end up with some weird looking scars on your tongue, but you still should be able to taste things like normal.

Well, I it worked for me. I just thought I'd share my experience!

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Legal Disclaimer: If you really try this, you're an idiot and deserve what you get. I am in no way responsible for your pain or problems. Crash diets of any kind are stupid, and a good way to screw up your health.